Pretender

I've just realized this when I was writing, but being a pretender is actually an interesting way of living. The definition of a pretender is someone who hides his or her own emotions, and showing another one instead to cope with the current situation around him or her.

While some people think that showing the true self is important, and there are few who are able to do so, being a pretender is actually interesting because there are so many who do so.

Being a pretender means you hide your true self, and the fake one shows up. When you pretend too much, like me, this other person consumes your true self, and the next thing you know, you've lost yourself, and you became this someone else. Others might not be able to perceive though, it's this person they usually see anyway.

It might just be an evolution of the self, but me personally, I start to think the old me was gone. That jealous, zealous, oh-the-entire-world-is-a-trash-can boy. I start to keep all those madness, those words wanting so bad to be shouted out. I know they wouldn't be heard, or they would just be understood, or they'd make me look like a bad guy, so I start keeping them inside.

Oh well, it's not like my emotions really mattered, right? As long as I can make myself look better with this outstretched patience, I'd still be able to take pride in myself.

Isn't that the only thing important?

Tagged (Again2)

... guess who tagged me?

How much of your teenage life have you "messed up?" (btw I'm still a teen)

[x] Gotten kissed
[ ] Gotten a phone taken away in class
[ ] Gotten suspended
[ ] Gotten caught chewing gum
[ ] Gotten caught cheating on a test (I'm so good at cheating that people even think I'm the smart guy giving cheats.)
Total so far: 1

[x] Arrived late to class more than 5 times
[x] Didn't do homework over 5 times
[x] Turned at least 3 projects in late
[x] Missed school just because you felt like it
[x] Laughed so loud you got kicked out of class (and for some other reasons too)
Total so far: 6

[x] Got your mom, dad, etc to get you out of school
[x] Text people during class
[x] Passed notes (see, this is the other reason)
[x] Threw stuff across the room (... actually this is how I passed notes)
[x] Laughed at the teacher
Total so far: 11

[x] Been in a fight at school, fist or verbal
[x] Took pictures during school hours (taken, to be exact)
[x] Called someone during school hours
[x] Listened to iPod, CD, etc during school hours
[x] Skipped a class period
Total So Far: 16

[ ] Threw something at the teacher
[x] Went outside the classroom without permission
[x] Broke the dress code
[ ] Failed a class (even with all these stuffs going on)
[x] Ate food during class (Nasi Bungkus + Ice Tea)
Total So Far: 19

[x] Gotten a call from school (thank God I could change my voice to a lower tone)
[ ] Couldn't go on a field trip cause you behaved badly
[x] Didn't take your stuff to school (left them at the locker. ... what?)
[ ] Given a teacher the finger when they weren't looking
[x] Curse during class/school (dude, it's an all-boys school. what do you expect?)
Total so far: 22

[ ] Faked your parents signature (so damn hard to do)
[X] Slept in class (everyone knows me for this one)
[ ] Cursed at your teacher (hey I actually respect them!)
[X] Copied homework (everytime)
[ ] Got in trouble with the principal-the vice principal
Total So Far: 24

Multiply by 3

Grand total: 72%

Boredom

I am bored. Extremely bored.

I got new mangascans and games from a friend. I got things to study. I got my cute girlfriend to talk to. But neither one really interest me at the moment. Well, it's not that I don't want to, but I'm not too eager either. It's almost like the spirit of me has gone away somewhere, wanting for an adrenaline-rushing sensation.

I hope archery would give me that.

Blindless Obsession

Some people say, love has made me blind. They say, my obsession about my dearest love is absurd, and my feelings to her is over-extended. They might be right, I don't care. But for this moment, I want to say different things than love to my dearest here.

Why here? Why not in private?

Because I know this way she'll work better.

... but maybe staying silent is better. After all, why ruin the sweet emotions with realistic matters?

Tagged (Again)

Lagi-lagi kena tag sama neng Ipeh.. Oh well, here goes..

50 Random Truths

Moonblade...

1. is 18, but few believes that.
2. actually likes being called an adult.
3. loves himself more than most things in this world.
4. has very dull senses.
5. knows well how to make himself look smart.
6. is obsessed about his dearest love.
7. is hopeless without her.
8. sometimes wonder what will happen if he lays down and die.
9. wants to change the world.
10. aims to be a scientist.
11. hopes that one day he'd be able to get himself twin children.
12. is a QUEEN fan.
13. is recently contaminated by Aerosmith.
14. is addicted to Dungeons & Dragons Role Playing Game.
15. likes most animals.
16. dislikes most insects.
17. wants an Alligator Snapping Turtle as a pet.
18. loves white, red, and gold.
19. dreams to be a knight someday.
20. dreams to be buried in Westminster Abbey.
21. likes English culture.
22. loves to eat anything edible.
23. is a board-gamer.
24. likes to play tabletop games.
25. does not have any talent for painting models, but likes doing it anyway.
26. is an extremely bad singer.
27. wonders, has he mentioned that he loves his girlfriend?
28. weighs around 85 kilograms.
29. has an Oedipus Complex.
30. feels like crap when he's unneeded.
31. always wants to be the center of attention.
32. is born on August 22nd, 1990, and is a Leo.
33. is a student at Institut Teknologi Bandung, School of Life Sciences and Technology.
34. only has three persons he consider best friends.
35. has a Dutch heritage, but people seem to see him as a Chinese.
36. does not smoke, hates to inhale smoke, and kills anyone who smokes in his bedroom.
37. prefers Classic Rock, New Age Music, and Modern Classic.
38. is a curious cat.
39. surrenders to nothing.
40. is an able-bodied fighter.
41. is learning archery.
42. has learned the basics of Judo and Merpati Putih.
43. can crack stone half in one hit.
44. carries a Swiss Army Knife around.
45. is allergic to metal touching.
46. hates Frestea for making him sick a week long.
47. has many dirty little secrets.
48. is sometimes an impulsive person, a risky man, a daredevil, when it comes to making his lover smile.
49. is a data bank for Celestine Empire.
50. wants to say more than these 49.

Two Lions

Lions are a proud race. They live for their own selfish selves, to fulfill the thirst for pride and joy of self-dignity. Most of the things they do are based on searching for the satisfaction of themselves. There is no Good and Evil for them, there's just how they look in front of everyone else.

In a Savannah full of wilderness and ferocity, there lived two lions. One was renowned for his ability to withstand, and the other for his incredible prowess. The two were close friends, almost family. Though they lived apart in different sides of the Savannah, sometimes they meet to talk and play together.

Soon is the annual day of forgiveness in the Savannah. The massive inhabitants cluster together, greet each other, and ask for forgiveness to others. It was a way to keep intact the bonds of each inhabitants of the Savannah.

Today, the two lions met.

"I can't go tomorrow."

"Why?"

"It's the day where I have to lie to everyone that I apologize."

"Oh, that day."

"Though I don't even think I have wronged them anything."

"Different stuff for me."

"You're not celebrating?"

"I do. It's just that I'd rather say 'I forgive you' and leave them be."

Twisted Faith

Sampe sekarang gue masih bingung dengan omongan orang-orang..

"Kalo lo idup di sana seharian 24 jam, pahalanya gede banget lho. Apalagi di bulan puasa."

"Ah gapapa kok gue nemenin kalian makan. Toh ntar pahala gue nambah."

"Bulan puasa tuh saatnya beramal, soalnya pahalanya berkali-kali lipat."

Trus lo mendingan nongkrong di sana seharian penuh sementara kami semua harus baca setengah buku sendiri buat uts gara2 lo gak pernah ngajar? Trus kalo nggak ada iming2 pahala, lo kagak mau nemenin temen2 lo makan? Trus kalo kagak bulan puasa lo kagak beramal, gitu?

Kacrut ah, kalo buat gue sih itu sih sama aja lo ibadah ada maunya, bukan gara2 lo percaya Tuhan or whatever. Trus tujuan lo apa? Pengen banyak pahala biar kagak ditendang ke neraka? Pengen masuk surga? Mati aja sana, ntar lo tau kan sebanyak apa pahala lo.

Btw barusan gue denger lagu yang pas banget. Inti lagunya bilang, "Kalo surga ama neraka kagak pernah ada, emangnya lo masih bakal nyembah2 dan nyebut nama Tuhan?"

Udah mana di kelas ada anak2 (gak gue akuin mahasiswa) perang2an tulisan di kertas antara yang jilbab ama yang nggak pula..

Bleh.

I Have Just Realised..

Bahwa ternyata kalau saya tidak membuang sampah sembarangan, saya memberi contoh bagi orang lain untuk melakukan hal yang sama.

... dan ternyata mas-mas di KBL itu inget sama saya yang tiap kali buka puasa ke sana beli es buah, sampe ngasih es buah gratis.

... dan ternyata The Alchemist karya Paulo Coelho itu mengingatkan saya pada perjalanan spiritual The Prophet-nya Kahlil Gibran.

... dan ternyata ketagihan panahan itu berbahaya bagi kesehatan lengan kiri, khususnya kalau belum ahli.

... dan ternyata masih ada orang yang nemu konci motor di warnet ini lalu ngasihin ke penjaga warnetnya.

... dan ternyata di sekitar saya banyak sekali pertanda-pertanda, hanya saja saya baru menyadarinya sekarang.

In Harmonia Progressio

Yeah, the second post without an English title. Cool, huh?

I found the phrase on my friend's pin that he put on his bag. At first I thought it was a religious one, but just today when I put the words on Google I understood that it was one motto from my campus.

Literally it means "Progress with Harmony". Simplistic but catchy, in my opinion.

It was found through research that most graduates from ITB understand thoroughly what field of science they were taught at. Though so, many of them could not implement the intelligence in the real world. This was caused by the understatement of other fields of science. Without harmony with the other fields of science, one field cannot excel. As the world is one, and nature was born by one God, thus science should be one.

Does this theory work in social life?

A Dream

I had a dream.

I had a dream when I was a little boy, that someday later I can have twins as my children. One will be a boy, and the other a girl.

I had a dream.

I had a dream when I was a teenager, that I can create a way to make my other dream come true. That is, by modifying biological substances, so my children will surely be twins.

I have a dream.

I have a dream about the world. A single world, unbound by countries or languages, a single pangaea. A prosperous world, where no one would have to be a beggar just to get a scoop of rice. A just world, where no one would have reasons to defy the law. A clean world, where pollution is something that nature can digest again.

But a dream will always be a dream, when the dreamer stays asleep, floating in the everlasting streams of dreams. And the reason why people say, "Your dream is too big" is because they don't have enough courage to dream big. They were afraid to step out of the tiny box of their minds.

Go out there. Explore the world.

There, you will see what God really is.

Nationalist

Kalian boleh bilang saya tercuci otak karena INKM. Mungkin juga hal itu benar, tapi saya tidak terlalu peduli. Yang penting bagi saya, sekarang saya memiliki pandangan dan kepedulian yang baru terhadap bangsa ini. Yang penting bagi saya, sekarang saya mau mengerahkan tenaga untuk menjadikan Indonesia negara yang lebih baik.

Terkesan muluk?

Kemarin, saya membeli sebotol Aqua di sebuah warung kecil di pinggir jalan. Ketika saya membuka segel botol tersebut, saya bertanya kepada pedagang di warung itu.

"Mas, tong sampah di sekitar sini di mana ya?"

"Ah, buang aja di situ," ujarnya sambil menunjuk ke aspal jalan, "nanti juga disapu."

Saya menggeleng singkat. "Wah, maaf mas, saya nggak suka aja buang sampah sembarangan."

Seketika itu juga sang pedagang menunjukkan sebuah tempat sampah. Dan ketika saya berjalan pergi setelah mengucap terima kasih padanya, saya melihat selintas bagaimana ia mulai memunguti sampah yang bertebaran di sekitar warungnya.

Satu hal kecil yang sederhana dapat mengubah orang lain menuju arah yang lebih baik. Segalanya bermula dari keinginan kita sendiri untuk berubah.

Apakah memperbaiki Indonesia masih terdengar seperti hal yang muluk?

Relativity of Time

Einstein bilang, waktu itu relatif.

Padahal, waktu ya tetap. Berjalan terus, tanpa pernah berhenti. Terus, tanpa pernah ada perbedaan dalam setiap detiknya, setiap menitnya, ataupun setiap jamnya. Waktu adalah mungkin adalah hal yang paling konstan di dunia ini.

Tapi kenapa minggu lalu baru bertemu dengan kekasihku, rasanya sudah seperti berbulan-bulan? Kenapa rindu ini bukan berkurang, malah bertambah?

Science doesn't make sense.

Success

What drives you to SUCCESS?

Is it Love?
Is it Intelligence?
Is it Money?
Is it Self-Esteem?
Is it Honesty?

This is a question asked to me at INKM ITB 2008.

And for me personally, the answer is DEVOTION.

Anger

I do not know why, but in the last few days I've become more of an angry person. I snap out of my wits quicker, I raise my voice more, I don't keep cool at times I need to be, and I now keep grudges. Grudges, I keep. I don't usually do that.

So why do I become like this?

I don't know.

What I know is, I should stop this kind of attitude. I should be back to my old self, a calm person at all times.

Before something bad happens.

L'art de Vivre la Difference

Hope I wrote that right.

I was inspired by a jewelry store advertising in a mall yesterday. It has those words on it, translated into English, "The Art of Living a Difference". Or maybe not exactly that, you know, since French can't really be translated into anything. But more or less it's about living a different life.

It got me thinking about the difference we all have. Every single one of us differs from one another. Not only that we are separated by genes, we also have different mindsets. Despite all of that, you who read this are probably my friends, or those who know me. Despite all the differences, we can accept each other, and live together in this world.

So, how important is being different?

Being different is actually the most prestigious thing a human can have. It is the ultimate pride to be someone that is on top -- different from the others under you. Difference form the true you, a personality that is only one in this world, that separates you from everyone else. Without a difference, we have no identity. Only a single diminutive piece in this world. And then we will wonder, why are we here?

All in all, difference is one of the most basic needs of Humans. To survive in this world, we have to accept some things that are different from us, learn from it, and continue on living.

Maybe that's the part where Lord Hitler failed to understand.

French Fiesta

I've been learning French for two years before I stopped last year. It was because of the rising pressure in school to pass the final exams and get good grades. That, and I have to get into the second-best university in Indonesia.

And I did all of those.

But I lost my French skills horribly.

So, last Thursday I went to a dinner with my French-Learning classmates. Haven't seen them in quite a while since our little picnic to Puncak a couple months ago. It was fun and nostalgic, and I got to see one of them, a cute woman, now has become a beautiful mother. We laughed all the way, and talked about the ongoing rumours around. We were having a great time together. Then, when it came to talking in French, I was quiet.

I was thinking about taking another try to learn French in Bandung, my soon-to-be city to live. There's an ex-teacher of mine who teaches in one of the universities there. Hope I can learn more, especially about romantic quotes. I love saying those things to my girl.

Well, the first step towards learning French is to change my blog into that language! Yay!

Tagged by Natsu

Instructions:
1. Choose up to five of your own characters.
2. Make them answer the following questions.

I chose:
1. Ego, the Beast of Me.
2. Gild (read: Guilt), the Heart of Me.
3. Cipto, the Mind of Me.
4. Azshara Rivendare, my DnD Character.


What's your opinion on reading and writing?

Ego: Booooring..
Cipto: Oh come on, you can get so much just by reading.
Gild: And you can pour emotions by writing.
Azshara: Just like how I read and write love letters for my wife =D
Ego: You guys are lame, you know? Action's all life's for!
Me: *gives Natsu's photo album to Ego*
Ego: Oh alright, I like reading. *strays off somewhere alone*


What's your opinion on maths, sciences, and language(s)?

Cipto: If we come to a conclusion with not even a drip of doubt, it has to be based on Mathematics.
Ego: Geek..
Gild: Different languages show the many different cultures of people, it's amazing.
Ego: Yeah right, Ms. know-it-all..
Azshara: Love is a science never to be touched by human minds.
Ego: Tsk, what a Playboy line..
Me: How about you, Ego?
Ego: Huh? *still drooling over the pics*


What is the best way to learn something?

Gild: Do, and if you fail, never make the same failure twice.
Cipto: Watch others do it, learn, and don't even make a single failure.
Azshara: To learn something, we must first have the curiosity to want, the courage to try, and the patience to stand from failure.
Ego: I CRUSH EVERYTHING THAT BLOCKS MY WAY! WAAAAAGH!
Me: I assure you, he meant that, literally.


To what degree do you avoid risks and danger?

Azshara: As long as it protects my dearest love.
Ego: AVOID risks? Are you kidding me? Those things give me adrenaline, you know!
Cipto: Risks are always there, it's just how we make the least of it.
Gild: No, I don't wanna get hurt! No! Don't make me cry! NOOOOOO!!


Under what circumstances would you risk your life for someone else?

Azshara: I'll do anything for the safety of my Lady.
Cipto: Maybe.. I should consider it a little longer.
Gild: Listen to your heart, and you'll know.
Ego: I can't explain it, but it comes when your heart beats fast, your adrenaline pushing, your mind all filled with the will to fight, and testosterone just went to the top.
Me: Hey, you can say nice things too.
Ego: OF COURSE! I'm the best man here, you see. *grabs the album back*
Me: Yeah.. right.


Under what circumstances do you think killing someone justified, in general?

Gild: No killing! No blood! Peace for the world!
Azshara: Yeap. In a battle, a gentleman will walk but never run.
Cipto: If you can, trick someone else to do the dirty job.
Ego: Those who defy my will shall pay.
Me: Ego, you're creepy.
Ego: Shut up! If it wasn't for me, you'll be dead by now.
Me: And how is it so?
Ego: Well, I'm the one who stabs your friends to get what you want.


What is the worst feeling you experienced?

Azshara: It is when I found that all this time I have been fooled.
Cipto: When I cannot find an answer to something.
Ego: When I can't beat the sh*t out of my enemies! Damn, I have to be stronger!
Gild: ... When Natsu is crying. It's.. it's got to be my fault!
Me: *gives a tissue box to Gild*
Gild: Thanks.. *sob sob* Huwaaaaa!

And what is the best feeling?

Cipto: Have you ever felt the surge of mind? When you realized that the answer to the riddles was just a..
Me: Next!
Gild: Being loved by the one.. Oh, the heartbeat.. the warm and fuzzy feeling..
Azshara: I second that, Gild.. And the one for me is my beloved wife..
Ego: God, you all act like babies! All men have one desire, and that is to WIN!

Extreme Pride 2

Have you ever feel so ashamed of yourself, that whatever you do, it's never adequate for other people?

Have you ever feel so ashamed of yourself, that when someone says you don't do enough, what you heard is that you don't do anything?

Have you ever feel so ashamed of yourself, that rather than repairing yourself to move forward, you chose to sit down and cry?

Have you ever feel so ashamed of yourself, that you know you need help, but you just won't say it because you fear you won't get any?

Well, I never have.

But I've seen people do those things.

And I tell you, it ain't always fun to see.

Ship of Life

Life is like a ship upon an endless sea.

Everywhere there are always waves, ready to strike ferociously. Whether we want it or not, even though we try to avoid it as much as we can, sooner or later the ship would hit some of them and the hull would suffer. It will be thrown by winds, its sails shredded to nothingness.

Every single damage will cause the ship to halt. And every single wound will make the repairs better, reinforcing it so the same waves would not hurt it anymore. The ship will get stronger and stronger every time. Thus, the ship will keep moving.

And if the ship has come to a full stop, then it means that it has been wavestruck so much, that it eventually sunk. When it comes into those, a ship can never stand again to continue its voyage. That is why there are other ships around, so that they can reel our ship from the depths of the sea, and push us forward, again drifting in the endless sea.

Extreme Pride

Have you ever feel so proud of yourself, that you become to think that you are great in many things?

Have you ever feel so proud of yourself, that when you take an exam, and the day has come for you to see the results, you don't feel nervous at all?

Have you ever feel so proud of yourself, that even when the results are great, you don't jump happily because you know that you are capable of such results?

Have you ever feel so proud of yourself, that you don't feel excited at all knowing that you're the best in the class?

Well, I have.

And I tell you, it ain't always fun.

Seconds to Freedom

And today comes the verdict..

Chivalry

Anyone ever heard the word? Sounds rather cool, no? Reminding us of the boundless bravery and eternal devotion of Knights from the medieval age. They seem so great, leaping in the battlefield on their horses, fighting for pride with their blades, and defending their country and ruler for the sake of dignity.

They are the most obedient creatures, trained in lawful ways only to fulfill their duties as the high-borns. They have been taught since birth to become a warrior, a noble in status, and an upper-class being. They are so loyal to their country, that it has been said that even death could not separate a True Knight from his duties.

But then, what does it mean to be a Knight?

A dummy that lives only to be controlled by its ruler?
A brainwashed one, tricked into bravery to defend the country?
Or an angel in shining armor, living for good, truth, and justice?

Really, the word Chivalry has no meaning when a Knight is fighting for the wrong side. It matters not how brave you are, how strong, or how devoted, when you are doing it for the sake of something that should not be done.

Chivalry should not be had by those who are blindly following orders.
It is for the ones who know what they are fighting for, and strive for that sole purpose.

Of course, each Knight are persistent with their own beliefs, and would rather fight to death than going to the other way. That's what zealots are.

Tagged Again

I've been writing nothing else than tags these days.. *sigh*

RULES:

1. tag 10 people (not the one who sent it to you!)
2. answer all truthfully
3. take it in public!
4. tell all tagged on their profile that they have been tagged,
and link to your journal.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Info
[ ] I am shorter than 5'4.
[ ] I think I'm ugly sometimes.
[ ] I have many scars.
[ ] I tan easily.
[ ] I wish my hair was a different color.
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[x] I have/I've had braces.
[x] I wear glasses.
[ ] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[ ] I have more than 2 piercing.
[ ] I have piercing in places besides my ears.
[ ] I have freckles.

Family/Home Life
[x] I've sworn at my parents.
[x] I've run away from home.
[ ] I've been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday
[ ] I've lost a child.

School/Work
[x] I'm in school
[ ] I have a job.
[x] I've fallen asleep at work/school.
[ ] I almost always do my homework.
[x] I've missed a week or more of school.
[ ] I've been on the Honor Roll within the last 2 years.
[ ] I failed more than 1 class last year
[ ] I've stolen something from my job
[ ] I've been fired

Embarrassment
[ ] I've slipped out an "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[ ] Disney movies still make me cry.
[ ] I've peed from laughing.
[ ] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[x] I've glued my hand to something.
[ ] I've had my pants rip in public.

Health
[ ] I was born with a disease/impairment.
[ ] I've gotten stitches/staples.
[x] I've broken a bone
[ ] I've had my tonsils removed.
[x] I've sat in a doctor’s office/emergency room with a friend.
[ ] I've had my wisdom teeth removed.
[ ] I had a serious surgery.
[x] I've had chicken pox.
[ ] I've had measles

Traveling
[ ] I've driven over 200 miles in one day.
[x] I've been on a plane.
[ ] I've been to Canada.
[ ] I've been to Mexico.
[ ] I've been to Niagara Falls.
[ ] I've been to Japan.
[ ] I've celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[x] I've been to Europe.
[ ] I've been to Africa.

Experiences
[x] I've gotten lost in my city.
[x] I've seen a shooting star.
[x] I've wished on a shooting star
[ ] I've seen a meteor shower.
[ ] I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
[ ] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[x] I've kicked a guy where it hurts. (actually, I used my knee)
[ ] I've been to a casino.
[ ] I've been skydiving.
[ ] I've gone skinny dipping.
[x] I've played spin the bottle.
[ ] I've drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[ ] I've crashed a car.
[ ] I've been Skiing.
[x] I've been in a play.
[ ] I've met someone in person from myspace.
[x] I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[ ] I've seen the Northern lights.
[x] I've sat on a roof top at night.
[ ] I've played chicken.
[x] I've played a prank on someone.
[x] I've ridden in a taxi.
[ ] I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[x] I've eaten sushi.
[ ] I've been snowboarding.

Relationships
[ ] I'm single
[x] I'm in a relationship
[ ] I'm engaged.
[ ] I'm married.
[ ] I've gone on a blind date.
[ ] I've been the dumped more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] I've gotten divorced.
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[ ] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[ ] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[ ] I've kept something from a past relationship.

Sexuality
[ ] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[x] I've had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[ ] I've been kissed in the rain.
[ ] I've hugged a stranger.
[ ] I have kissed a stranger

Honesty/Crime
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't.
[ ] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[x] I've snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[x] I've cheated on a test.
[ ] I've run a red light.
[x] I've been suspended from school. (I was dropped out, not suspended.)
[x] I've witnessed a crime.
[x] I've been in a fist fight.
[ ] I've been arrested.

Drugs/Alcohol
[x] I've consumed alcohol.
[ ] I regularly drink.
[ ] I've passed out from drinking.
[ ] I have passed out drunk at least once in the past 6 months.
[ ] I've smoked weed
[ ] I've taken painkillers when I didn't need them.
[ ] I've eaten shrooms.
[ ] I've popped E.
[ ] I've inhaled Nitrous.
[ ] I've done hard drugs.
[ ] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[ ] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[ ] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[ ] I have been diagnosed with one or more anxiety disorder.
[x] I shut others out when I'm depressed.
[ ] I take anti-depressants.
[ ] I'm anorexic or bulimic.
[ ] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[ ] I've woken up crying.


Death and Suicide
[ ] I'm afraid of dying.
[ ] I hate funerals.
[x] I've seen someone dying
[x] Someone close to me has attempted suicide.
[x] Someone close to me has committed suicide.
[x] I've planned my own suicide.
[x] I've attempted suicide.
[ ] I've written a eulogy for myself.

Materialism
[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[ ] I own an iPod or MP3 player.
[ ] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
[ ] I own multiple designer purses, costing over $100 a piece.
[ ] I own something from Hot Topic.
[ ] I own something from Pac Sun.
[x] I collect comic books.
[ ] I own something from The Gap.
[ ] I own something I got on e-bay. (Actually, a friend got it for me)
[ ] I own something from Abercrombie.

Random
[ ] I can sing well.
[ ] I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[ ] I open up to others easily.
[x] I watch the news.
[ ] I don't kill bugs.
[x] I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme.
[x] I curse regularly.
[ ] I sing in the shower.
[x] I am a morning person.
[ ] I paid for my cell phone ring tone.
[ ] I'm a snob about grammar.
[ ] I am a sports fanatic.
[ ] I twirl my hair.
[ ] I have "x"s in my screen name.
[x] I love being neat.
[ ] I love Spam the opposite!
[ ] I've copied more than 30 CD's in a day
[ ] I bake well.
[x] My favorite color is either white, yellow, red or blue.
[ ] I've worn pajamas to school.
[ ] I like Martha Stewart.
[x] I know how to shoot a gun
[x] I am in love with love.
[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[ ] I laugh at my own jokes.
[ ] I'm good at remembering names.
[ ] I'm good at remembering dates.
[ ] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.

[x] All of those are answered honestly

Tagged by Ipeh

1- Rate tens character you like, at least two weeks ago until now!

==Male===
1. Azshara Rivendare (my DnD Character!)
2. Vash the Stampede (Trigun)
3. Captain Jack Sparrow (Pirates of the Caribbean)
4. Phantom of the Opera (Phantom of the Opera)
5. Frog (Chrono Trigger)
6. Commisar Ciaphas Cain (Warhammer 40.000)
7. Batman (Batman)
8. William Jones (Emma)
9. Nicholas D. Wolfwood (Trigun)
10. Terrorblade the Soul Keeper(Defense of the Ancients)

==Female==
1. Elizabeth (my DnD Character)
2. Inquisitor Amberley Vail (Warhammer 40.000)
3. Chibi-Chan (Nodame Cantabille / Concerto Love)
4. Quistis Trepe (Final Fantasy VIII)
5. Saber (Fate/Stay Night)
6. Forte Stollen (Galaxy Angel)
7. Marie Antoinette (Le Chevalier d'Eon)
8. Emma (Emma)
9. Nodame (Nodame Cantabille / Concerto Love)
10. Rylai Crestfall (Defense of the Ancients)

2- Rate 10 of your favourite games (Anime if you’re not a gamer)!

1. Chrono Trigger
2. Suikoden II
3. Cooking Mama
4. Warhammer
5. Warhammer 40,000
6. Warcraft III
7. Mario Kart
8. Ragnarok Online
9. Harvest Moon: Back to Nature
10. Thousand Arms

3- Rate your favourite song!

1. Flight of the Bumblebee - Maksim Mrvica
2. Toccatta & Fugue - Vanessa Mae
3. Song of Storm and Fire - Kajiura Yuuki
4. Ballade Pour Adeline - Richard Clayderman
5. Englishman in New York - Sting
6. La Vie D'Amelie - Yann Tiersen
7. Exodus - Maksim Mrvica
8. Frog's Theme - Chrono Trigger
9. You Know My Name - Chris Cornell
10. The World Is Not Enough - Garbage

The Poetic Side of Me

It's been months since I last write poetries. I recall my most productive days were those when every day was filled with unending emotional disasters. You know, those kind of things that happen when you've just succumbed to the sweetest taste of fresh love. Anyway, those were the days.

I don't remember when, but slowly I stopped writing poems. And I don't know why either. Maybe it was because I've sold all my romance to one woman, maybe it was because I've run out of words, I don't know.

But ever since, the poems turned around to be proses. Like the entry I wrote before this one, for example. I didn't think much about writing that, but after reading it again, I felt like an idiot. Hey, who would've written long, redundant sentences to speak about something so simple like that?

Well anyway, it's good to know where my ideas went. And for you guys who don't like long redundant sentences, I apologize. I'll be doing that much more in the future.

Ignorance Is (not) Bliss

Some say the phrase entitling this entry is true.

I'll say nay to that.

Karena ketika kamu menyadari sesuatu, mengetahui bahwa sebenarnya hal itu salah dan semestinya diperbaiki, atau ada sesuatu yang kamu bisa lakukan untuk membantu atau mengatasi masalah tersebut, dan sebaliknya kamu mengunci hasrat untuk melakukan itu di dalam dirimu dan memutuskan untuk membuang jauh-jauh suara hatimu untuk menghindari masalah lain yang kamu takutkan akan hinggap padamu,

kamu tak lagi lebih dari binatang liar tanpa kawan.

Ingatlah bahwa bahkan hewan dan tumbuhan pun, makhluk-makhluk yang kita sebut tanpa hati dan pikiran, tanpa akal budi dan nurani, masih memiliki insting untuk membantu sesamanya.

Dan bukankah rasa takutmu akan kesulitan yang akan menghampirimu sekedar hambatan yang kamu bentuk sendiri sebagai alasan untuk menghindar? Sebagaimana musuh terkuat setiap manusia adalah dirinya sendiri, aku berkata padamu, bahwa sebelum kamu bisa melawan dia, bahkan sampai kamu mati dan Malaikat Jurang Maut menjemputmu, kamu tidak akan lepas dari belenggu ketidakbahagiaan.

Objectivity

Sebagai manusia yang memiliki keterbatasan dalam kemampuan berpikir, saya selalu mencoba melihat suatu masalah dari berbagai sudut pandang -- dan dengan begitu, menjadi obyektif. Apa itu obyektif? Obyektif adalah perilaku menghadapi situasi dengan jalur pikiran yang rasional dan logis, dengan alasan-alasan yang masuk akal sebagai landasan dari perbuatan yang dilakukan. Di sisi lain, subyektifitas adalah perilaku menghadapi situasi dengan jalur pikiran yang irrasional, emosional, tanpa alasan yang masuk akal dan kuat untuk mendukungnya.

Di dunia yang penuh dengan orang-orang subyektif ini, obyektifitas memiliki kelebihannya sendiri, di antaranya adalah pengertian yang lebih mendalam, "compassion" dan "empathy" yang melebihi sebagian besar orang lain, dan kemampuan untuk melihat "the big picture".

Sayangnya, obyektifitas cenderung membawa kita ke sisi yang berbeda dari masyarakat luas, dan terkadang, di titik ekstrim, menjadikan kita sesuatu yang dibenci oleh banyak orang karena melawan "norma adat" yang berlaku di sana.

Contoh saja, di sebuah perusahaan dengan tingkat korupsi yang sangat tinggi sehingga sudah menjadi sebuah "rahasia umum", bahkan sampai dianggap "budaya legal", apakah kamu mau melawan tradisi turun-menurun tersebut? Hitunglah sendiri, berapa sih orang yang mau mendukungmu melakukan itu, dan tidak takut akan dikucilkan oleh semua orang lain di kantor? Hell, berapa orang sih yang nggak terbuai oleh apa yang ditawarkan oleh Korupsi itu sendiri? Padahal mereka -- para pelaku tindak korupsi -- tidak memikirkan dampaknya terhadap kehidupan orang lain yang dirugikan oleh tindakan mereka. Apakah mereka melihat masalah itu dari sudut pandang orang yang dirugikan? Apakah mereka mampu merasionalisasikan tindakan korupsi tersebut, dan mengatakan bahwa itu bukan hanya karena nafsu duniawi belaka? Dan kalaupun bisa, apakah mereka peduli? Yah, saya rasa sih tidak sedikit pun.

Dan saya menulis ini karena saya mencium bau-bau nepotisme dan subyektifitas di sebuah organisasi tempat saya bernaung. Belum terbukti, namun suatu saat nanti jikalau semua kecurigaan itu ternyata benar, saya akan mengundurkan diri dari sana, pronto.

Old Songs

Entah kenapa, buatku lagu-lagu lama rasanya lebih menyenangkan untuk didengar daripada selera musik terkini. Mungkin karena tipe musik pop yang menjamur sudah jadi menjemukan; mungkin karena lirik yang terlalu banyak membahas mengenai cinta atau sejenisnya; mungkin karena aku lebih suka lagu yang dapat menggugah hati; mungkin karena aku adalah makhluk konvensional; mungkin.. I don't know.

Anyway, menemukan beberapa karya pemusik lama setelah ngutil di harddisk; di antaranya adalah Queen, Bee Gees, Beatles.. dan Sting, kalau dia dihitung pemusik lama.

Piracy is a crime. Yup. Ada yang tau di mana buat download lagu nggak? Buat konsumsi pribadi kok.

Archetypes

Beberapa hari terakhir ini saya sangat tertarik dengan game Vampire: the Masquerade. Selain karena gameplay nya yang baru (dan menarik. sesuatu yang baru biasanya lebih menarik daripada yang lama.), ada satu bagian yang sangat menyita perhatian. Di game itu, namanya adalah Nature & Demeanor.

Intinya, Nature adalah insting dasar seorang karakter. Bagaimana ia bertindak, apa yang mendorongnya untuk maju, dan bagaimana ia beraksi. Semua itu ditentukan oleh Nature secara spontan dan otomatis. Sedangkan Demeanor adalah bagaimana karakter itu muncul di permukaan. Siapapun yang tidak mengenal karakter itu dengan dekat, akan menyangka bahwa sang karakter memiliki sifat yang sesuai dengan Demeanor-nya. Namun bukan tidak mungkin bahwa di balik semua penampilan itu, sang karakter memiliki suatu sifat yang jauh berbeda, yaitu Nature-nya.

Beragam sifat yang ada di dunia ini dikelompokkan dalam berbagai Archetype. Dengan pengelompokkan tersebut, kita bisa memilih seperti apakah sifat karakter yang akan kita bangun dalam game Vampire: the Masquerade tersebut. Tertarik melihat beberapa Archetype yang dimaksud? Datanglah ke situs ini:

http://www.geocities.com/malfisbymidnight/natures.html

Sangat menyenangkan, menarik, dan menggugah pikiran menurut saya. Selain menyatakan secara jelas bahwa seseorang bisa memiliki dua sisi yang berbeda di luar (Demeanor) dan di dalam (Nature) dirinya, deskripsi dari masing-masing Archetype menjelaskan secara garis besar mengenai orang-orang di dunia ini. Salah satunya, membuat saya sendiri menyadari orang seperti apakah saya ini.

Care to share your Nature & Demeanor? I think my Nature is Gallant, and my Demeanor is Deviant.

My Dear Friend

Teman baruku yang satu ini ternyata telah membuktikan dirinya sangat amat berguna kemarin. Ia mengikuti aku ke mana-mana, tak pernah mengomel, dan manfaat keberadaan dirinya selalu terasa setiap hari.

Pagi hari ketika aku berangkat, ia menawarkan diri untuk ikut bersamaku.
Pagi hari ketika aku sadar kuku jariku panjang dan tajam, ia menawarkan sebuah kikir.
Menjelang siang ketika aku kesulitan membuka tutup teh botol, ia menawarkan sebuah pembuka tutup botol.
Siang hari ketika aku ingin memotong kertas dan merapikan foto, ia menawarkan sebuah pisau.
Sore hari ketika aku tak bisa membuka kaleng, ia menawarkan sebuah pembuka kaleng.
Malam hari ketika aku selesai makan, ia menawarkan sebuah tusuk gigi.
Malam itu juga ketika sebuah duri menusuk gusiku, ia menawarkan sebuah pinset.

Terima kasih untuk sahabat merahku.

Journey Home

Akhirnya, bisa nulis blog lagi meskipun bukan dari komputer sendiri. FastNet terbukti nggak bermutu baik di daerah gue, dan sepertinya udah saatnya ganti provider. Bukan itu sih alasan utama mau nulis ini..

Tanggal 23 yang lalu, gue pergi untuk berlibur. Dan baru kemaren pulang tanpa jetlag. Beneran, tanpa jetlag. Soalnya gue di pesawat nggak tidur, jadi pas nyampe malem langsung ngantuk. Sayangnya ngga sempet mengumbar cinta di telepon karena cewek gue udah tidur. Tapi cukup lelap kok, untuk tidur lebih dari 6 jam. Gue ngga bisa tidur lebih dari 6 jam sekali tidur. Tapi yah terus tidur lagi.. capek bro..

Anyways, perjalanan pertama ke Singapore. Negara kecil banget yang menurut gue jauh lebih tertib daripada di Indonesia. Ato di Jakarta, kalo mau dibanding2in. Yah, emang kulturnya beda kali yah. Di sana nggak pernah gue liat orang yang ngelanggar lampu merah. Nggak ada satupun. Bahkan di saat ngga ada halangan sama sekali buat melaju. Kayaknya tilangnya gede. Di sana gue jalan2 ke Orchard Road (nyari toko Warhammer, tapi ngga nemu) yang ternyata nggak sekeren yang gue kira. Cuman jalanan yang banyak toko2 bermerek aja. Tapi di sana ada gedung namanya Wheelock place, dimana ada toko buku gede bernama Borders. Setelah beli Prophet karya Kahlil Gibran, gue pergi ke Esplanade, semacem gedung buat opera dan konser. Dan berhubung itu hari natal, gue nonton band (if you can call it a band) namanya Ministry of Bellz. Itu adalah 10 orang yang masing-masing pegang Traditional English Bell. Cuma bisa satu nada per bell, tapi kombinasinya cukup bikin tercengang. Besoknya, udah harus berangkat lagi ke London.

Perjalanan di pesawat terlewati dengan cukup cepat berkat keberadaan TV di Emirates. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix serta Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End terbukti menghibur 6,5 jam di pesawat (sampe Dubai doang transit). Dilanjutkan dengan Ratatouille dan Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer untuk 6,5 jam berikutnya sampe London Heathrow. Heathrow itu nama airport, by the way. Kalo di sini kan Soekarno-Hatta.

Next dijemput sama kakak gue (tujuan utama dateng ke sini buat jengukin dia) di Heathrow. Hari itu masih siang, dan dihabiskan dengan berleha-leha di apartmen sewaan serta pergi ke Trafalgar Square. Ada patungnya Admiral Nelson, orang yang ngalahin Napoleon katanya. Terus besoknya nyewa mobil dan pergi ke Cranfield, kota tempat kakak gue kuliah. Mumpung deket gue juga mampir ke Springfield, dan sayangnya ngga ada orang berkulit kuning di sana. Dan perjalanan naek mobil di London sangat tidak disarankan. Banyak jalan sempit, one-way, dan nama jalan yang kecil dan terletak di tembok rumah. Bikin pusing dan stress. Untungnya, di London bisa sekalian menikmati pemandangan. Segala hal di London adalah pemandangan. Merobohkan gedung tua tuh illegal (dan juga mendirikan Shopping Malls), jadi masih banyak brickhouses dan gedung-gedung indah dari jaman 1950an. Semua gedung di London pernah rata dengan tanah karena dibom Jerman, by the way. Kecuali Saint Paul's Cathedral yang masih berdiri tegak dari jaman dahulu kala.

Dua hari di London belum cukup buat liat apapun, tapi apa mau dikata, jadwalnya adalah ke Swiss. Di negeri yang iklannya nggak jauh dari jam, piso, ato bank itu, gue ikut tour buat liat Geneva. Sebenernya sih bagus, apalagi Old Town nya. Banyak bangunan-bangunan tua di sana, dari jaman Roman Empire menguasai. Masih banyak yang mau diliat, tapi sayang nggak sempet, dan karena winter jadi ngga bisa naek kapal di danau. Dingin. Tadinya mau naek ke Mont Blanc, tapi karena ada daerah yang masuk Perancis (dan gue ga punya visa ke situ) jadi ngga bisa deh. Anyways, cukup menyenangkan di sana. Oh, ada keluarga dari Jakarta juga di tour yang sama. Mereka sepertinya nggak terlalu niat ngobrol sama keluarga gue, jadi kita misah aja.

Back to London, tempat dimana segalanya muahal dan gue nggak pengen beli apapun karena selalu nge-kurs duitnya. Masa BigMac aja 5 Pounds. Gila, 100 ribu! Males deh jadinya. Nah, sekarang banyak waktu buat jalan2. Jadinya hari itu gue ngeset jadwal buat besok dan lusa, sambil masak sendiri malemnya. Besoknya tour dimulai. Bagian ini harus punya paragraf sendiri karena banyak yang perlu dijelasin.

Tour 1: Historical & Modern London
Perjalanan ini membawa gue ke Buckingham Castle, yang sayangnya lagi nggak dibuka untuk umum. Meskipun begitu, keindahannya udah bisa diliat dari luar. Pasti jauh lebih bagus lagi kalo bisa masuk, tapi untuk sementara waktu gue ngira2 aja deh dari nonton National Treasure. Abis itu ke Cavalry Academy, ngeliat pasukan berkudanya ganti shift. Ceremony yang tertib dan menarik banget buat gue, meskipun mungkin cuman baris-berbaris biasa. Selesai gitu, gue ke Covent Garden buat makan di Pub. Hmm, masakan Inggris nggak sejelek yang gue kira, tapi pasti makanan hambar kaya gini udah salah satu makanan terbaiknya. Di sana juga sempet nonton sirkus kecil-kecilan, yang walau keliatannya sederhana tapi bagus dan lucu lawakannya. Dari Covent Garden, bis melaju ke Westminster Abbey. Nggak bisa dijelasin pake kata-kata deh di dalem sana (oi, kalo ga bisa dijelasin ngapaen lo nulis blog, geblek? -red). Arsitekturnya kuno banget, dan banyak patung-patung luarbiasa indah di dalam sana. Ada makam orang-orang terkenal seperti Sir Isaac Newton dan Charles Darwin. Dan yang paling keren dari itu semua adalah sebuah hall dengan barisan kursi gereja di kanan-kiri. Kursi gerejanya bukan kaya biasa, tapi di punggung kursi itu ada tower kayu tinggi yang di temboknya ditempel lambang Knight Orders dari masa lalu. Dan Knight Orders yang masih ada, masing-masing helmnya dipasang di
puncak tower-tower kayu itu. Coat of Arms nya dipasang di atas helm tersebut. Really, it's a spiritual experience di situ. Coolest thing I've ever seen. Dari Westminster Abbey, gue naik kapal di River Thames dan ngeliat di kiri-kanan ada apa (termasuk ngeliat Big Ben dan London Bridge yang ternyata cuma jembatan kuno biasa). Turun di salah satu stasiun di River Thames, gue pergi ke Tower of London. Ada 12 Towers, tapi gue cuman masukin 2 karena waktu terbatas. Salah satunya adalah Jewel House, tempatnya Royal Jewels disimpen. Perhiasannya buagus-buagus dan muahal-muahal banget pastinya. Katanya sih didapet dari India dan South Africa waktu pemimpin-pemimpin mereka mati. Well, we all know the truth. Abis itu ke Bloody Tower. Dari namanya udah bisa ditebak, itu tempat penyiksaan dan pembunuhan bangsawan. Nobles kill nobles to become more noble. How does that sound?

Tour 2: Windsor, Stonehenge, and Bath
Windsor castle is as good as you can get as a castle. Hampir semuanya berlapis emas, dengan lukisan-lukisan berbagai bangsawan yang nggak kalah bagusnya sama Da Vinci. Dan orang-orang terkenal pula yang melukis. Raphael, misalnya. Windsor castle bentuknya mirip benteng, khususnya dengan watchtowers yang berbentuk bundar. Cuma Windsor satu-satunya tempat di England yang punya bentuk watchtower bundar. Design from Syria. Anything you want from a castle you can get in Windsor. Abis liat2 di sana, trus pergi ke Stonehenge. Jauh lebih bagus dari yang ada di foto-foto ato di postcards. Dan katanya tangal 23 Juni (longest day on earth) pagi hari pas sunrise pemandangannya bagus banget di sana. Dengan matahari terbit tepat di tempat sebuah batu didirikan dan cahayanya melewati susunan Stonehenge dengan tepat pula. Mystical, pengakuan orang-orang yang pernah melihatnya. 20rb orang datang tiap taun tanggal 22 malam untuk nginep dan bangun jam 4 pagi di sana. Nah, setelah liat keajaiban dunia yang satu itu, gue pergi ke Bath. Bath itu nama kota yang punya satu2nya mata air panas, dan tentara Roma jaman dulu mendirikan tempat pemandian di sana. Roman architecture dan peninggalan-peninggalan kuno di sana bener2 bikin tercengang. Katanya sih ngga boleh pegang airnya di sana, tapi rasanya hangat dan baik2 aja kok..

Bagian shopping buat oleh2 besoknya nggak usah diceritain yah.. Pokoknya abis itu gue pulang naek pesawat 22 jam + transit dubai 3 jam + jetlag 7 jam...